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October 2017 – Open House

October 2, 2017 By Holly Schaefer

We at Safe Haven School are getting ready for our annual Open House, and this year, as in years past, I will be addressing our parents. I will read “Welcome to Holland.” It’s a poignant piece, a metaphor for what it feels like to have a child with special needs. My hope is that all who read it will carry the metaphor with them as they accompany their child on their journey. The impact of the piece is immediate, but I never really knew for sure how much of a lasting impact the reading had on our parents. Until last year. One of our parents sent a letter to us after his daughter fully transitioned back to her high school. His letter follows “Welcome to Holland.” 

WELCOME TO HOLLAND by Emily Perl Kingsley

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability – to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel.  It’s like this…

When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy.  You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans.  The Coliseum.  The Michelangelo David.  The gondolas in Venice.  You may learn some handy phrases in Italian.  It’s all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives.  You pack your bags and off you go.  Several hours later, the plane lands.  The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland”.

“Holland?!?” you say.  “What do you mean Holland? I signed up for Italy!  I’m supposed to be in Italy.  All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”

But there’s been a change in the flight plan.  They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease.  It’s just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books.  And you must learn a whole new language.  And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It’s just a different place.  It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy.  But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills…and Holland has tulips.  Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy…and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there.  And for the rest of your life, you will say “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go.  That’s what I had planned.”

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away…because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But…if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things…about Holland.

Parent Response

 Good afternoon, Sheila, Sherry, Holly, and Duke. 

What a long journey this has been, and just like my younger days as a single man, I wouldn’t want to go through that again, but I wouldn’t trade a single memory for all the tea in China.  What can I say to people who helped save my daughter’s life?  What words can express that gratitude???  What can I do to express how grateful I am, when, in my family’s darkest moment, you were there to show me the light. When I as a father was questioning myself as to whether or not I made the right choices for my family, your resolve gave me strength.  And Holly, when my whole life, I wanted to go to Italy, you taught me how to love Holland.  And I really do love Holland; it’s a great place to be. 

I’m not sure that what you do saves every kid. I don’t know if every kid can be saved. I certainly hope so, but I just don’t know. But I can tell you what I do know: what you do  saved my kid, and on my knees tonight when I speak to my God, and on the day I leave this planet, and meet that God, and every day between now and then, I will give thanks for Sheila, Sherry, Holly and Duke. I can only believe that it was through divine intervention that you 4 angels came into my child’s life, just in time. 

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

Filed Under: Parenting

Welcome to 2017

August 22, 2017 By Holly Schaefer

2017. A whole new beginning. And what better time than now to fill the empty space on our website reserved for “Parenting Blog.” I’ve known for a while that, once a month, I’d be posting things to the Parenting Blog. But what is a blog? From looking at lots of them, it seems it can be a lot of different things. It can be advice, observations, a place to report research data, a place to share successes and failures and why. I guess my blog will be all of these things.

So I’d like to start with some observations I’ve been collecting while out and about, hither and yon, in my random trips to various public places. It’s important for you to know that I’m an educator (once and educator, always an educator), and it’s through that lens that I make my observations.

Here goes……..

I’m standing in one of two lines waiting to get checked out. I look across at the other line to see if my mine is going to win, or if I’d picked the slower line for the umpteenth time.  I was immediately distracted by an adorable little girl with blonde curls standing next to her dad. I stopped caring if my line would win. I was enjoying watching the little girl try to reach high enough to put their purchases on the counter. She did, and she was so proud. Smiling from ear to ear, she looked up at her dad, possibly looking for a “Good job!” or “Way to go!!”  But he didn’t. He was busy paying for their items. Before the clerk finished their transaction, he asked the dad if he’d like to purchase one of several candy bars that were on special. The dad said, “Nah. We’ve got enough of that shit at home.” All the while, his adorable, blonde-haired little girl was looking up at him, drinking in his every word, better than chocolate milk could ever be. Dads are the heroes of their little girls. And that never goes away. Some hero.

I continued my errands, winding up at the mall. As I briskly walked toward my destination, I saw in the distance a man holding what appeared to be a very new baby. I was a bit alarmed, but as I drew closer, I saw that the baby girl was being held close in the arms of her father with such care and tenderness that my concern evaporated. I watched as he repeatedly, oh so gently, ran his index finger across her forehead and down her cheek. The look on his face was one of pure love and adoration. She was his daughter, and he was her dad. Her hero.

I walked slower then, wondering how a dad could move from the overwhelming love on the face of the dad with the newborn to the dad of the toddler who thought nothing of swearing in front of her.

Children observe parents’ behaviors as something to be emulated, so they integrate them as acceptable behaviors of their own. Family members are role models. I wonder if the first dad would have had as strong a reaction as I did if his daughter had been the one to respond, “Nah. We’ve got enough of that shit at home.” (His remark was so jolting it was as if someone crashed cymbals next to my head and, like a cartoon character, my head was vibrating back and forth.) Sometimes kids get bad messages unintentionally from good people.

One of the things that’s super important in raising children is consistency. Without it, children become anxious and afraid because they don’t know what to expect. If a person the child has come to trust treats that child with love, respect, and adoration when they’re young and then treats them disrespectfully or unlovingly as they grow older, the child may misinterpret these messages as ones of unacceptance or inadequacy, or perhaps don’t have the self-confidence or coping skills to know that it isn’t necessarily a reflection of them, that they’re not deficient in some way. This is a common occurrence in middle school where a long-time friend suddenly turns away and becomes friends with others, may even become cruel. The child begins to feel they’ve done something wrong, or that they aren’t important, or that they don’t matter anymore. We see this with our students at Safe Haven School where unconditional acceptance and consistency are hallmarks of our program. They are two of the many things our students value about our program. It makes them feel safe and important. They come to know that they matter.

So, what do you think? Have you observed similar scenarios? Do you agree or disagree with my conclusions? Please respond. That’s an important part of a blog.

Thanks for taking the time to become acquainted with this section of our website. Hope you’ll come back often.

Holly

Filed Under: Parenting

 

 

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